5 Reasons Why Vanilla Sex Is Actually The Best Sex
…according to science, for real
by The Candidly Team
Telling other people the sort of sex they should be having can feel a little like telling them what to order at a restaurant. You like what you like, when and where you like it. You may order the exact same things on repeat or be wildly exploratory.
There are a lot of gross ways to go with this metaphor, so I’ll stop there.
The point is your personal taste belongs to you. And the only “study” that can tell you what works for you sexually is best conducted between you and your bedsheets.
BUT when we stumbled across the brilliant and refreshing videos of Human Sexuality professor Dr. Nicole McNichols, we realized that there are a million small but significant ways to actively make all kinds of sex better. And so many of these things seem deeply doable. And worth a try - whether we’re grappling with struggles around pleasure and intimacy or looking to improve the sex we already enjoy.
So, all that said, here’s one ironically revolutionary idea Dr. McNichols talks a lot about:
Vanilla sex might just be the hottest sex.
In fact, she thinks the term itself could seriously use a “rebrand,” especially in an age when porn is so accessible. While “it’s perfectly fine for people to be watching porn,” she points out that this can sometimes lead them to use it as more of a “guidebook” than the fantasy it’s meant to be. This can contribute to “disconnected sexual experiences where, instead of focusing on their bodies and the sensations in their bodies and connecting to their partner, people are following a script that's going on in their head,” said Dr. McNichols.
The precise rewards of vanilla sex can be that they make way for deep physical connection. “It's kind of getting back to basics,” said Dr. McNichols. “When we think of vanilla, we think of things that are boring and that don't have a lot of flavor and that don't have a lot of substance.” But in truth, there are 6 specific things about vanilla sex that prove it’s actually brimming with substance.
She breaks all this down in a video you should definitely watch below, but basically here are the key points in the case for vanilla sex:
1. The hidden powers of kissing
Though oft considered the most surface-level of intimate acts, kissing can be highly personal. And kissing during sex is also highly underrated. “Kissing is correlated, especially in women, with sexual satisfaction, which isn't surprising given that emotional intimacy is a bigger predictor of sexual satisfaction with women,” said Dr. McNichols. Research also shows that it significantly increases the chances for women to have an orgasm.
2. The intensity of eye contact
Intense eye contact between couples can activate sexual arousal, so says certain studies. But we get that this can sound a little “intense” in and of itself.
“There's research showing that when you look into somebody's eyes, that is actually a somewhat terrifying form of intimacy for a lot of people. It requires being really, really vulnerable,” said Dr. McNichols. However, “it's something that can make sex really hot.”
Research shows that eye contact coupled with kissing (yes, we’ll keep saying it) also strengthens emotional connection, intimacy, and, once again, frequency of orgasm in women.
3. The magic of the missionary position
Turns out, very recent studies have shown that the missionary position is, in fact, the number one most likely position to make women orgasm. Obviously, this isn’t going to be true for everyone. But this type of sex can set the stage for a closer, more powerful form of face-to-face connection.
4. The lead up
As much as we might think of sex as separate from the rest of our lives, "flirting” and build up should actually be a huge part of the equation. “A lot of what makes sex good is the lead-up setting,” said Dr. McNichols. “There's a lot of research showing that sexually satisfied couples do try to set the mood, which can be anything from candles to just making sure that you have private time away from your kids or other family members who are living with you.”
5. The sloooooow down
Slow sex with eye contact can be very intense, said Dr. McNichols. Not to state the obvious, but slowing down can simply make sex last longer. But most importantly, it can help us to feel more grounded in the moment and in our bodies.
“Eroticism thrives on being mindful,” said McNichols. “In order [for sex] to be good, you need to be present. And to be present requires not having the forefront of your brain going a million miles a minute with all of these different thoughts and expectations and fears and insecurities.”
Staying present, not overthinking, and focusing on your and your partner’s cues can keep things much more heated and pleasurable.
6. The opportunity to be vulnerable
So, this is where all the above elements really come together. As Dr. McNichols puts it, each of these actions involve “showing up authentically” and being present during sex.
A study published in The Canadian Journal of Sexuality, which happens to have the not very sexy title of “The Components Of Optimal Sexuality” found that the capacity to be vulnerable can be the determining factor that tips the scales that lead to “great sex.”
“Vulnerability is important to good sex because sex is one of the most intimate things that we can do with another person,” said Dr. McNichols. “With really great sex, you have to be able to surrender. You have to be able to surrender control. You have to be able to surrender your desire to judge yourself harshly. And to really connect with a person in a way that's going to build sexual intensity and satisfaction means…telling your partner what feels good to you.”
Because it lays such a solid foundation where surrender and connection are not just possible but invited “the vulnerability that comes from vanilla sex has the capacity to be 10x more intense,” said Dr. McNichols.
And, as promised, here’s the video where she lays it all out:
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be used in place of professional advice, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. This article is not intended to be and should not be a substitute for professional care, advice or treatment. Please consult with your physician or healthcare provider before changing any health regimen. This article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent disease of any kind. Read our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
