8 Questions We’re All Having About Pandemic-Intimacy, Answered
by The Candidly Team
Should we really be worried about our dumb sex lives when there’s a pandemic happening?
Yes. Yes, we should.
Intimacy is a key ingredient in successful relationships. And crucially, intimacy is not “just” sex. It’s all of it. It’s physical closeness. It’s feeling close. It’s true togetherness.
So how do we show our partners support when we’re bone-tired from homeschooling and working all goddamn day? And how do we cultivate intimacy when every cough flings us into a panic spiral?
We spoke to Hanna Stensby, a couples’ therapist trained by The Gottman Institute.
Here’s what she told us.
1. What happens if we’ve temporarily lost the “spark”?
We are sensitive beings and our environment and stress have an impact on our sexuality.
If you stop having sex right now, it does not mean you’ve lost your connection and sense of intimacy. It also doesn’t mean that you and your partner aren’t compatible anymore. So you should not be worried about the health of the relationship or that you’ll never get your sex life back.
However, it just means that you’re going to have to make some lifestyle changes, if possible. There are many things out of our control right now but the more we can do to change things that are within our control, to reduce stress, the better our sex lives will be.
The first step is to take the pressure off and be compassionate towards yourself and your partner. And if need be, there are processes and tools that a trained therapist can help you apply to regain your sexual intimacy.
2. How do we change our expectations around what intimacy might look like right now?
Expressions of intimacy can change during stressful times.
Sexual sensuality might not be present and that’s OK. Instead, intimacy might look like long hugs, cuddling, holding hands, crying with each other, or sharing your feelings. Those are all valid forms of intimacy, and valid ways to cultivate intimacy if you’re not in the mood for sex.
It’s most important to maintain connection, support, and openness with one another, however that looks. There is no right way to be intimate or sexually connected.
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3. What’s one tip for getting more “in the mood?”
If you’re experiencing a lot of stress, you’re going to need more time and support to come to a place where you actually feel like you could be sexual—you might not be able to just jump into sex like you did before.
This might look like doing a relaxation activity, whether it’s yoga, a bath, meditation, or a walk-- do something to get yourself into the right headspace.
Overall, be patient with yourselves and focus on enjoying all the sensory aspects of the experience rather than an outcome of an orgasm.
4. How do we navigate everyone’s current emotional state and still cultivate intimacy?
Taking out stress on each other is a surefire way to kill intimacy, so consider how you’re managing your own stress and frustration right now. It’s important that you can lean on your partner for support without dumping your frustration or taking out your anger on them.
Try to avoid reactively rushing to your partner and unloading all of your negative thoughts and emotions onto them without warning. While this raw reaching out to your partner is OK from time to time, if this becomes a pattern, it can overwhelm your partner and create disconnection and even resentment.
One way of ensuring this is to ask your partner what their functional capacity is.
Simply ask them, “How are you doing? How are you feeling? I really need some support right now. Do you have the capacity to provide me with that right now?”
And when you have the urge to lean on them for support, ask, “do I need to talk this through with someone right now?”
If you have a lot of anger and frustration, journaling about your thoughts and feelings, talking about it with your therapist, or doing something physical is a good first step. Once you understand how you’re feeling and what you need, you’ll be more likely to process it calmly with your partner and get the kind of support you need from them.
When we’re more mindful of when and how we receive support from our partners, our partners will feel less overwhelmed, so they’ll be better able to support us with appreciation instead of frustration.
5. Is spontaneity even possible right now?
One way of keeping the spark alive, especially during so much monotony of working from home and homeschooling, is to create surprises. Surprises can help stimulate the release of endorphins.
If you and your partner have talked about certain sexual fantasies, you can surprise your partner with that.
But these surprises don’t always need to be sexual. Often, they can be small-- you can send your partner to the grocery store and when they come back, have everything set up for a nice dinner the way that you would experience it in a restaurant.
You could go through a cookbook and try different recipes together. You can take turns planning date ideas for one another and surprise one another with that. You can take up a new hobby, something that you both have never done before, so that you create a novel experience together which is a great way to bond and bring some spice back into the relationship.
Do something that allows you to recharge, but also have some time with each other. Create intentional time for one another, as this will help you from falling back into detrimental old habits.
6. How do we let go of resentment right now?
Times of stress can create a lot of resentment, especially if one partner is taking on a bigger work load, or one is taking on more of the work at home.
One way to protect against resentment is by creating a culture of appreciation in which you are mindful of noticing and verbalizing what you appreciate about your parter. Think about the things that made you fall in love with them, and share them.
It’s also OK to have transparent conversations about how the extreme stress is impacting each person and the overall household tasks. Rather than looking at tasks as a 50-50 split of work that’s being done on a given day, look at them in the larger context of the relationship. There will always be times where one partner has to step up for the other. That’s part of being in a relationship.
Talking honestly about how the impact of the increased workload is impacting you and problem-solving if there are ways to outsource some of that is extremely beneficial. Be upfront about your needs so that it doesn’t turn into resentment later.
7. What’s one, clear way to make our partner feel loved and cared for?
Knowing each other’s love language is so helpful. It’s valuable because you could be missing each other's attempts to communicate love and intimacy.
These preferences for expressing and receiving love are very real and important to consider. Taking a quiz on your love languages can be a great way to provide language and awareness to how you communicate love to your partner.
Often, I work with couples who do not feel well loved by one another because they are each giving love in a way that they prefer to receive it, rather than how their partner would prefer to receive it. They both feel defeated because they perceive that they have been putting effort into expressing their love and their partner is not noticing it.
Shifting this miscommunication can completely change the relationship.
8. What do we do if our partner is taking out their stress on us?
When our partners’ stress and anger begins to affect the relationship, we have to address it.
It’s OK to ask your partner to be responsible for managing their emotions. It is not selfish.
And we can support them without solving their problems by being a good listener. Offering validation helps them feel heard and accepted as they navigate their stress. Often, it is enough just to stand with someone in their pain or stress, and can even be more effective than offering solutions.
You can also encourage them to seek therapy if they are becoming increasingly overwhelmed. This is easier said than done, so it’s important to communicate your love for them and your desire to support them while setting boundaries around the type of support you will give. Share honestly how their reactions to stress are impacting you and your ability to connect with them.
Another way to do this is to model how you manage your emotions. Be careful not to use statements that blame them. Instead, talk about your feelings and your needs. You can say something like, “I feel overwhelmed when you come to me and express lots of anger and frustration on a regular basis, and what I need is for you to be able to regulate your emotions more independently.”
We all go through times when we feel dysregulated or we need a little extra support from partners. Of course, we should be understanding when those times are happening, but being supportive no matter what, is not actually helping them.
Helping your partner find growth and learn to better manage their emotions through healthy boundaries is actually the more loving approach.
