Why Melissa Urban Isn't Drinking Right Now
Photo by Brandon Talbot
by The Candidly Team
By now, you know Melissa Urban. The Boundary Queen. The Whole30 founder. The author of many best-selling books.
She’s a modern-day renaissance woman.
She also isn’t drinking right now.
No. That doesn’t mean she’s “sober” or “in recovery” from alcohol. Her words, not ours.
In true Melissa fashion, she’s been nothing but open and honest about her “not drinking right now” journey. And as more and more of us are becoming sober-curious, we wanted to find out more about Melissa’s approach to not drinking, and why it works for her.
1. What exactly do you mean by "not drinking right now" ?
In September 2018, I decided to take a 30-day break from alcohol. I wasn’t a big drinker (my now-husband doesn’t drink at all), but I wanted to see what life was like without that glass of wine here or there. Those 30 days rolled into months, and then years of just not drinking.
Still, I’ve never been mentally ready to commit to complete abstinence, so I just started telling people, “I’m not drinking right now.”
Who knows how long “right now” will end up lasting?
2. How is this different from our traditional understanding of sobriety?
The definition of sobriety depends on who you ask. Some might say it’s total abstinence from all addictive substances—in traditional recovery communities, that means drugs and alcohol. Others who don’t drink (but might smoke weed) may also call themselves “sober.” It’s important to allow people to define their own recovery as they see fit.
I personally don’t claim that word, “sober,” because two years ago, I did have half a margarita on my birthday, and on my wedding night, I shared a dirty martini with my sister.
So I just say I’m in recovery for my drug addiction, and I’m also not drinking right now.
Image from Instagram/ @melissau
3. What made you decide to embark on this experiment?
I’ve spent a lot of my adult life not drinking. In early drug recovery, I abstained from all alcohol for a few years, until my therapist and I decided together that alcohol wasn’t triggering for me in the way that drugs were.
Since then, I’ve given up alcohol for months at a time during Whole30 or athletic pursuits, and even when I was “drinking,” I didn’t keep alcohol at home, indulging only when out for dinner. When I started dating Brandon four years ago I became even less of a drinker, because he didn’t and I saw little reason to have a glass by myself.
Taking another 30-day break was just par for the course for me, but this time, it stuck.
4. What has this been like during the pandemic?
Not drinking while stuck at home has been effortless, and I think about how much harder my pandemic experience would have been had I been an at-home drinker.
I was already more stressed and anxious than usual, and the pandemic brought up old addiction thoughts and triggers in a way I didn’t see coming.
But I loved that for all of 2020, I didn’t think about alcohol once. I know others who struggled with consumption while stuck at home, and I’m grateful I started my experiment before the pandemic hit.
5. Why does this framing work better for you, psychologically, than saying "never" or "can't"?
At first, it was just a way to quiet the part of my brain that rebelled against the idea of “never again.”
I’m an Upholder, so when I say I’m going to do something (or quit something), I do it, hard stop. I wasn’t ready to go there, so the “right now” part lent me a bit of flexibility.
What I discovered, however, was the power of those two little words to defuse social resistance. Saying “I’m not drinking right now” is perceived as less confrontational than “I don’t drink.” There’s a fluidity to “right now” that makes it easier for your conversation partner to understand, and therefore less likely to push back.
My Whole30’ers who implemented the phrase find they have a much easier time not drinking in social situations as a result.
6. Does this framing invite less judgement or confusion than just saying, "I don't drink"?
It does, because people have complex relationships with alcohol, and your refusal of a drink holds a mirror up to their own behaviors.
“I don’t drink” can be received as “and neither should you” or “I’m judging you if you do,” even if your body language or attitude are totally neutral.
Adding those two magical words, “right now,” implies that you did drink at one point, and you may drink again in the future (so no judgment!), but you have some reason to abstain in the moment. It helps people feel less defensive, and I’ve found you’re less likely to get push-back or a blunt “why?” in response.
7. What role has societal pressure played in your relationship to alcohol? Why do you think we’re a culture that seems to push alcohol to the point of discomfort?
Personally, societal pressure has played little role in my relationship with alcohol, but I am the person who started the Whole30 eleven years ago. For anyone who knows who I am, I basically have an automatic pass when I turn down booze, sugar, or pizza. Also, I’m not easily swayed by what other people think, and I’m not afraid of confrontation, so if anyone does ever try to pressure me, I shut them down fast.
But I’m the exception.
Alcohol is marketed hard to all of us, particularly women, particularly mothers. People’s complex relationships with alcohol means it’s easier to pressure us to drink than for them to look at their own behaviors. And it’s addictive, literally, which makes it hard to see our own issues with consumption. Did I mention the marketing? We’ve been swimming in “hard day with the kids? It’s mommy’s wine time,” and we don’t even realize the impact that’s had on us.
8. Do you have advice for people who might use this technique in the world where alcohol is basically forced down our throats at parties and on dates?
First, if you’re comfortable saying, “I don’t drink,” please keep doing that, up front and as often as possible. Help normalize not drinking as a perfectly acceptable social choice.
Second, if you’re not comfortable with that, use my “I’m not drinking right now” line without apology or explanation. Practice. Recruit a buddy to back you up in case you get pressure. Have some “red level” boundaries prepared just in case; something like, “are we in seventh grade? I said I don’t want a beer. You need to let it go, because you’re being rude.” And be prepared that some friendships may change as a result of you holding your boundaries and making choices that serve your best self.
9. How do you deal with the probing/invasive questions that arise when you reject alcohol?
First, you don’t owe a damn person a damn thing when it comes to your personal choices. I find a long pause, direct eye contact to the point of getting awkward, and a “That’s not something I’m going to answer” works great, but not everyone is comfortable with that. You can start with, “That’s quite personal, to be honest, but I assure you I’m fine with water.” If you get “Are you pregnant?” or “Why, are you an alcoholic,” please put them in their place. Try, “What you just asked can feel invasive and hurtful. I know you didn’t mean it that way, so please be more careful in the future.” Then change the subject.
Remember, if someone lashes out or judges you for not drinking, that has nothing to do with you, and says everything about them and their relationship with alcohol. They may try to foist that on you, but you don’t have to pick it up and carry it. If it happens more than once, I’d consider finding yourself a new friend group, because how many times can you face intense pressure like that without sacrificing your own health or happiness to keep the peace?
10. How has this decision changed your life?
I didn’t think I’d notice much, considering how little I drank before the experiment, but my first two-week book tour in January 2019 (four months in) proved me wrong. It was my fifth consecutive year on an extensive tour across North America, and the first year ever that I didn’t get sick.
What I realized was that not drinking was the catalyst for a healthy chain reaction that followed me everywhere. Because I wasn’t drinking, I was less motivated to take myself out for a meal at 9:30 PM when the event was over, which meant I made plans to eat an early meal beforehand. That meant I was getting to bed earlier, and had a much better night’s sleep, which meant I could get up early feeling refreshed and head to the gym before my day began. Repeat for two straight weeks and I got home from this tour healthier, less stressed, and more energetic than ever before—and I could trace it all back to not drinking.
If there’s one thing I hope people take from this, it’s that drinking alcohol impacts every area of your life, from your sleep, energy, and blood sugar regulation to self-confidence, mood, and mental health…and just not drinking can have the same powerful and positive impact on all of those things too.
11. What are a few concrete techniques you've used to help you get through this experiment/journey?
I’ve had lots of practice here, but here is the advice I give to folks new to the Whole30.
First, have a plan for what you’ll say or do if you’re unexpectedly offered alcohol. Try proactively ordering sparkling water with lime and keeping it in your hand at all times, and practice saying “No, thank you. I’m not drinking right now,” and changing the subject.
Prep friends and co-workers ahead of time, before you get to the party/bar/restaurant. “I’m doing this not-drinking experiment right now, just so you know, but I’m psyched to come and catch up with you.” If you’re going to a gathering or dinner, BYO zero-proof beverage (like a Whole30 Approved Humm Kombucha, Beak & Skiff Sparkling CBD water, or Sound sparkling herbal tea)—something fun and festive, so you’re not stuck drinking plain old water if your host didn’t anticipate a non-drinker.
Finally, consider this time period a re-learning that “celebration” and “alcohol” are not synonymous. There is such power in being able to celebrate with friends and family without a drink in your hand, and you never know who you’ll influence by setting the example.
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