Is Your Family A Low Effort “Courtesy Question” Family?

And what does that mean for your life today?

by The Candidly Team

If you’re not familiar with the term, a “low effort family” might sound like a good thing.

The kind that’s made up of mature, self-sufficient individuals. Low-maintenance, chill, not needy.

But it actually means something else. A low effort family exerts little energy or interest toward other family members. Their actions and outreach are more like going through the motions of what a family member should or must do as opposed to expressing real care, concern, or love.

Perhaps you have a family member like this. One who asks a question, then drifts off into their own thoughts or interrupts with their own aside, making it plain they didn’t really want a complex, meaningful answer. They call when it’s an “occasion” or when they need something, but not because they’re following an honest desire to check in.

It’s a dynamic that can be painful, especially when that person is your parent, but it’s also confusing when we mistake polite surface questions for genuine concern. It’s a pattern that leaves us to long or turn on ourselves or feel like a fool, none of which is healthy or adaptive.

But how do you adapt?

What is a low effort courtesy question family?

The biggest voice bringing the subject of low effort families to light is psychologist and author Dr. Sherrie Campbell. We recommend watching this particular video which shines light on one of the most mind-jumbling moves these family members make.

Just her first sentence left us shaken: “Low effort families ask you courtesy questions not because they care but because it’s what they’re supposed to do to keep up that family image,” said Dr. Sherrie Campbell.

 
 

These interactions can leave us feeling like we’re walking away empty. Another term that can describe it is emotional unavailability. Emotionally unavailable parents can struggle to make their kids feel what’s called the 4 S’s of secure attachment: safe, seen, soothed, and therefore, secure. And conversations with low effort families can stir up these old insecurities.

 

Image from Pinterest/ Caitlin’s Couch

 

So what is the solution?

As both attachment research and Campbell point out, the solution might come from other relationships. Forming a secure attachment with someone in which we experience the 4 S’s can help us to heal from and break the patterns of an insecure attachment. “For some of us who have had very few people ever be emotionally attuned or available, this can sometimes result in people feeling as though they have to ‘turn it up’ to get their needs met, either by becoming big, loud, ‘needy’ in their actions and their communication styles,” said Carrington. “Others can become very introverted and self-sufficient. In both cases, trust in another's ability to meet your needs becomes compromised and understandably can pose difficulties in developing secure relationships into adulthood,” said psychologist and author Dr. Jody Carrington.

When we form secure attachments, we can break these patterns, and part of that means acknowledging what we’re not getting from our emotionally unavailable, low effort loved ones. As Campbell put it, “Stop chasing a surface level of care and start building relationships rooted in mutual presence.”

 
 
 
 
 

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